


please, please be here

by weasleysking



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bella Swan needs a hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Feels, He just treats her like a sister because he's a good bitch, Hurt/Comfort, Jacob did not imprint on Renesmee because that's disgusting, Kissing, Love, Parent Edward Cullen, Post-Breaking Dawn, References to Depression, Sad Bella Swan, Twilight Renaissance, Vampire Bella Swan, post natal depression, stephanie meyer is cancelled smh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23680699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weasleysking/pseuds/weasleysking
Summary: Bella emitted a quiet, heavy exhale of breath, full of nerves and pain that shouldn’t have existed in such a peaceful, domestic scene. She found her mind wandering to the same dark place it went whenever she had stopped to take a breath since last month after the Volturi had left.The place that was her telling herself over, and over, and over that she had made a mistake bringing Renesmee into the world. The thoughts that murmured in her ear she’d simply brought this girl into a world that would never understand her, a world Bella was born to be a part of, and her daughter wasn’t. The thoughts that said Renesmee deserved someone who knew what they were doing like Rosalie, someone who had never had that thought that maybe things would have been a bit easier if Renesmee had never been born in the first place.or; bella and some hard feelings about motherhood, ft edward being a good husband and lots of love and angst.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Jacob Black & Bella Swan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 67





	please, please be here

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! hope quarantine is treating you all okay.  
> i have feelings about bella in motherhood and they hurt ouch  
> hope you enjoy this one :) as always comments, kudos and feedback much welcome x

Bella, leaning against the wall, watched as Edward’s slim, pale fingers danced gently across the keys of the piano in the living room. Renesmee’s wide, young eyes followed along too, looking intrigued and concentrated as she sat on the stool beside him. Carlisle and Esme sat on the long couch, listening to Edward play and his calm commentary alongside it for his daughter. Alice and Jasper were talking quietly in the corner of the room, heads close together and occasionally laughing softly. Emmett and Jacob were standing on the balcony near Bella, watching the woods and talking seriously. Rosalie watched Renesmee from behind, her eyes joyful and proud as she watched her beloved niece attempt to follow Edward’s lead. 

Bella emitted a quiet, heavy exhale of breath, full of nerves and pain that shouldn’t have existed in such a peaceful, domestic scene. She found her mind wandering to the same dark place it went whenever she had stopped to take a breath since last month after the Volturi had left.

The place that was her telling herself over, and over, and over that she had made a mistake bringing Renesmee into the world. The thoughts that murmured in her ear she’d simply brought this girl into a world that would never understand her, a world Bella was born to be a part of, and her daughter wasn’t. The thoughts that said Renesmee deserved someone who knew what they were doing like Rosalie, someone who had never had that thought that maybe things would have been a bit easier if Renesmee had never been born in the first place.

Bella loathed herself for these thoughts. It was almost like she had completely split her brain in half now; these ideas, they went on the left - the nice ones, the positive ones, the ones full of love for her family and that she was finally the person she was born to be, with the person she was supposed to be with - those ones went on the right. Maybe she was being ridiculous. Maybe that didn’t make any sense to anyone but her. It felt just like that though; it was far too easy to flit between the two sides and make herself miserable like the flick of a light switch. She just wanted to find the corner of her mind, however small it may be, where she could just be  _ Bella.  _

As she then looked over at her daughter with tired eyes, she found it. 

Edward. Of course. Perhaps it had taken her this long to figure it out because she only just realised she needed a whole other part of her brain; she couldn’t just split it in two. And who other than Edward,  _ her Edward,  _ could make that for her? Could be that for her? Now that she’d thought about it, she felt tears prick her eyes. She needed that - now. 

It was almost like he sensed it, or perhaps he’d seen her staring off into space for the last few minutes and become suddenly overcome with emotion as she’d had this realisation about herself. His voice brought her back down to earth when he turned to Renesmee and spoke. 

“Right, it’s bed time for you.” 

“Dad!” She exclaimed, and Edward grinned. “Please, just a few more minutes?” 

“Say goodnight to everyone, Ness,” he said. “I promise they’ll still be here in the morning.” 

“Ugh,” she said, but went in good grace, kissing her grandparents goodnight, hugging Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett, and waiting by the door for her parents to follow her. 

“Jacob can take you to bed,” Edward said pointedly, and Jacob swung Renesmee up on his shoulders. She giggled, and Bella felt her heart flutter, squeezing Edward’s hand tighter as he came to stand beside her. 

“Say goodnight to your mom and dad too,” Jacob said solemnly. “They’ll be sad otherwise.” 

“Goodnight daddy,” Renesmee leaned over and Edward kissed her forehead. 

‘Goodnight darling.” 

“Goodnight, mommy,” Bella swallowed and plastered a smile on her face. 

“Goodnight sweetheart.” 

Jacob looked at Bella, his brow wrinkled in concern, but she waved him off. 

_ Later,  _ she mouthed. He nodded, and him and Renesmee left the house. 

Edward turned to Bella, grasping her hands in his and kissing her fingers lightly. 

“Do you want to go for a walk?” He asked softly, and she nodded. 

“Remember Alice and I are taking Nessie out tomorrow,” Rosalie called as they wandered outside, waving at the others. 

“Got it,” Edward called back. 

The two exited the house down into the woods, fingers laced together. 

“Anywhere in particular?” Edward asked, and Bella nodded. 

“You know where.” 

They took off, never letting go of each other’s hands, up the hills towards their meadow. 

Moments later, when they reached their destination, they lay down in the flowers they could just make through the darkness. Bella looked up to the black sky, the stars blanketing it so it sparkled. Edward, leaning towards her, brushed a lock of hair from her forehead. 

“What is it?” He asked softly. 

“I’m afraid you will change your mind,” Bella whispered, not looking at him, more to herself than Edward. 

“Change my mind about what?” Edward asked, his voice masked with concern. 

“Me,” she said after a pause. 

Edward was quiet for a moment. 

“Bella, how-” 

“Sometimes I regret it,” Bella said, cutting him off before he could start. She still refused to look at him. Only the sky mattered. 

“Regret what?” 

“Renesmee.” 

Edward was silent. 

“I- I just feel like- like she deserves a better life- a better mother- a better anything- not, not what she’s stuck with, in a world she never asked to be born into, a world that things she is this  _ thing  _ and it’s  _ my  _ fault-” Bella’s voice was getting higher and faster as she spoke, her unnecessary breathing suddenly shaky and uncontrollable. 

“Bella,” Edward whispered. “Bella, stop-” 

“I understand if you don’t- if you can’t- if you think I’m terrible for thinking that- but I just need- I just want you to hold me like you used to,” she choked out. She was probably crying now, she thought, but it didn’t matter, because Edward was tilting her face towards him and kissing her softly, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly- 

“Of course I don’t think you’re terrible,” he said in her ear. “Bella, I could never think that about you-” 

“But it’s my  _ fault _ -” she gasped, “and I can’t stop hating myself for it, she didn’t ask for this-” 

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered, kissing first her fingers, up her arms and her neck, her cheeks and her head so tenderly she felt breakable. “You thought you were making the right decision and you brought us something beautiful, that we didn’t think we could have in the first place.” 

“She is beautiful,” Bella said hoarsely, and her voice caught. “I just don’t think I can do this. I’m sorry. I’m trying so hard-” 

“You can,” Edward said softly, running his fingers through her hair, “I know you’re trying, it’s all anyone can see- how hard you’re trying-” she let out a strangled sob and Edward shushed her gently. “It’s okay, it’s going to be okay Bella, you and I can do this together.” 

She curled into him in a way she hadn’t for months, not since she was human. He gathered her up out of habit. 

“You’re not alone,” he whispered. “You never have been, and you never will be. You have this family, and you have me.” 

She breathed in Edward’s scent, the one that comforted her beyond all else, pressed her head up against his chest and exhaled. He wiped a tear off her cheek. 

“There’s no getting rid of me, Bella,” he said softly, kissing her again. “You have me forever.” 

_ When Edward says the word forever, Bella believes everything will be okay.  _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! im on twitter as @elenaclqire, come say hi! <3


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